And the flip side of
If you say it, you mean it
Is where my tears fall.
Dessert First
Just made this cobbler from Varmint Bites.
OMG
It smells so good…who needs dinner? I’ll take dessert first!!
Tangled
Sadness settles over me
like a fluttering
summerweight blanket.
Tears fall,
streams of salty nectar
fall into the hollows
and the quiet places
where I like to be kissed.
Things that defined me
have fallen away.
Things I once held dear
have retreated.
Things I thought I understood
have become entangled, gnarled in my mind.
People I thought I had figured out
showed me some new, secret part of themselves.
The path I thought I was on
seems to have ended,
or maybe
it has just become so littered with debris
and obstacles
and dried out, dusty dreams
that I think I have wandered too far.
Will the solid light of dawm
show me something new?
Or will the sadness wrap around me,
take hold,
not let go,
not let me go.
Bondage Cupcakes
I have this, um, quirk, if you will. It is alternately amusing and maddening to the people around me. I watch a lot of Food Network. And sometimes, when one of the celebrity chefs adds something over the top to something that’s already incredibly delicious looking, like when Ina Garten adds avacado to a BLT or Giada makes chocolate marscapone cupcakes with ganache….well, I will yell “WHORE!” at the TV. Because, you see, if Food Network is my porn, then avacado is my gang bang, and ganache is my tie me up and spank me. I’m not proud of this, I’m just saying.
So anyway, today at the insistence of my family, I made Chocolate Chip Marscapone Cupcakes.
And then I died.
The end.
Just kidding. They weren’t too hard to make, and the kids had a great time watching me dip and/or drop the cupcakes in the ganache.
The results were well worth the sinkful of very dirty dishes…and I will continue to call celebrity chefs dirty names.
It’s just a thing I do, and it makes me happy.
Forgiving Jennifer
I know that in order to move on to the future, in order to live the full and amazing life that God has for me, and to be able to trust again, and to be able to build meaningful, lasting friendships with women, I have to let go of this.
Jennifer, I forgive you.
I forgive you for the lies that you told me - the lies that made no sense even as they came out of your mouth, but I believed them anyway because you were the best friend I had ever had and you only wanted what was best for me, at least, what you thought was what was best for me. I forgive you for breaking me, I forgive you for making a lie so much a part of my truth that it colored my relationships for years.
I forgive you for the crap at your wedding. I forgive you for saying that someone else was your best friend, had been there for you through everything, when we both know I was the one who saved you, I was the one who convinced you that you could, that you had to love again after the two horrible, horrible relationships that nearly killed you.
I forgive you for what you did to your family, for what you insisted on so that your dream could be realized while your mom drove a car that only went to second gear and your siblings wore worn out hand-me-downs to school.
I forgive you for hating and judging your father, rather than trying to help him.
I forgive you for forgetting all that we had been through together. I forgive you for driving away people who wanted to love me. I forgive you for needing the spotlight all to yourself, no matter who you hurt along the way.
I forgive you for judging everyone. I forgive myself for not living up to your standards, even today.
Now, I learn to forget.
Top 5 Things I Am Not Eating Again Anytime Soon
I have found some food I don’t like.
1. Tropical Fruit Chex Mix - Imagine eating crunchy suntan lotion. Only with fruit. Yeah, I know.
2. White peaches - well, they’re like peaches with all the color and flavor bled out. Ew.
3. Potatoes cooked on the grill - not enough water content, I think. Some potatoes were very hard. Some were perfect. Some were charred. I like more consistency than that.
4. Squash and onions cooked on the grill in a pan, but not grilled - too much background smokey flavor but no crispiness, no char. Ugh.
5. Smoked chicken enchiladas - a little too much smoke, not enough enchilada flavor.
BONUS!
Shellfish. After what appeared to be an allergic reaction. 1 hour before I got on a plane. It was scary. I think it’ll be awhile before I have any more shrimp.
Just in case.
Ice Cream Heaven
So.
I’m in Boston.
Surprise!!
I am with my mom, visiting my brother and his wife and two kids. We decided to come on Thursday, and flew out at 6 am today. For those of you who keep track of these things, yes, there IS a 6 am on Saturdays! Who knew??
But best of all, well, next to the kids, I found the new best ice cream in THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.
It’s at Peaceful Meadows, which is a dairy. Like with COWS AND BABY COWS AND EVERYTHING!
The flavor that made me absolutely die was Butter Crunch.
Imagine this…
Sweetened butter made into rich, smmoth ice cream that is sweet but not too sweet. And then, a few perfect praline flecks scattered here and there.
It was absolutely delicious. Stunning, almost.
My mom and brother had dutch chocolate almond. It was great too - smooth, not chalky, deeply chocolate. Not grainy…just fantastic!
So after a very long day of travel, we are relaxing in our room, although I am contemplating a trip to the hotel bar to see The Cavaliers (whoever the heck THAT is) and have what promises to be a sub-par, but desperately needed, vodka tonic.
If only they had some butter crunch ice cream!
Or a kid as cute as this one…
Crossing the Gulf or the Constant Gardener
You know how you hear that in relationships, one person is the gardener and one person is the garden, always needing to be tended to, always needing to be worked on, soothed, nurtured, dealt with, communicated with?
I see myself as a gardener, the person doing the nurturing, in almost all of my relationships.
And given some of the issues I have been dealing with lately, I began to wonder what was going on with this. Do you think everyone thinks they are a gardener? Are all relationships made of up gardens who think they are doing all the gardening?
I realized, recently, that in doing all the things I do in life (you know, work, kids, family, house, husband, cheerleading, writing, yardwork, beer sample boys…), sometimes I don’t do or say things that people expected me to do (or say) or assumed I would do (or say) or just had no idea I would’t do (or say)…and when I reflected on it later they were things that yes, I should have done or said and I would have done or said if I had stopped and thought to do or say them, but since I rarely have time to stop and think, this one particular thing did NOT get done, said, or dealt with, and now a whole slew of friendships is basically ruined and also, (breathe)…
EVen though I apologized profusely, and tried to explain, and the explanations were waved off and “I don’t want you to be sorry, I just want you to focus more on what’s important,” and at the end of it all I was left with “Oh, it’s ok, I just kind of expected you to say this one thing, but you didn’t, but it’s ok….” and then, well, the obvious aftermath (silence) of the apparent friendship break up for which there is no language - was that person really my friend? Was this person’s inability to see things from my perspective indiciative of their inability to relate to me in a meaningful way and put all the parameters together and come up with a workable relationship? Did we both need too much gardening?
I think this relates to the 5 Love Languages - we all need to be loved, whether by lovers or friends or parents or whomever - in very specific ways and if someone loves you in the way THEY need to love you as opposed to loving you the way YOU need to be loved, then it all goes kerflooey and everyone feels like a put-upon, resentful gardener who is tending an impossible garden and then, in turn, the gardens in us feel neglected and unloved and like something, vaguely, is off-kilter and wrong with us.
So, in light of all this, is it sometimes ok not to tend a particular garden? Is it ok to let a relationship go, when the gulf between what one person needs and what the other person has to give is too big to cross, especially if one person thinks it’s all ok, and one person sees the gulf for what it truly is?
How hard is all of this supposed to be?
Friday Random Heatherocity
It has been awhile since I was just all stream of conciousness, and I have a lot of thoughts in my head that aren’t really enough for a whole post, but maybe, if I string them all together…well, we’ll see!
First, I can NOT get this song out of my head. Maybe because every time I get in the car I roll the windows down and play it? At least once? And if Little M is in the car, over and over.
It’s Mercy from Duffy’s new CD Rockferry. Quite enjoyable. Amy Winehouse without the rehab issues. As far as I know.
***
I live in Charlotte and this weekend is the big NASCAR race. My friend PeyPey (Vajayjay) and I went to Speed Street yesterday - it’s a big street festival that all the sponsors put on for the fans. They shut down many streets downtown and set up a plethora of things - everything from the AT&T Technology tour to the Weinermobile to a very elaborate Bud Light truck, lounge, sky deck and beer samples (!). So PeyPey and I walked around and left with a crapload of free samples, toys, bags, and coupons, got a free massage, 4 samples from the beer guys (!) and a sunburn. Totally fun. I would never go when it was crowded, so lunch time on Thursday, before it got going good, was perfect.
Boys who give away beer samples (!) are kinda cute. I think they do that on purpose. Inside the Bud Light lounge they were taking pictures of everyone and making Bud Light luggage tags out of them. PeyPey and I made individual ones, and then they let us make one together. And then sent us out to sample beer (!).
We had our pictures taken with Tony the Tiger, the Keebler Elf, the Trix Rabbit, the Lucky Charms dude, and as HoneyNut Cheerios bees. It was awesome. Once they are uploaded I will post them if they are not too hideous.
It was hot. And sunny. And 28 SPF did nothing against that sun, so my nose is all sunburned.
Back to the hot beer boys, did I mention that among the thousands of NASCAR fans we saw, well, the beer boys were pretty much the hottest thing there? And not just because of the beer, either.
***
My kids are singing the Duffy song. Ha! A 4 year old singing “You got me beggin’!” just cracks me up. Am I wrong for that?
***
Honey roasted almonds. Oh yes.
***
I started back working on a book idea I had abandoned. I have written about 5,000 words in the past couple of days. Some of those words were a sex scene. I hope my dad never reads that chapter. Or my brother. Or my kids.
Well, I will worry about that when it’s time to worry about that! For now, may as well enjoy the ride. So to speak.
***
OH! I forgot to warn you.
There is some new product coming out called EFFIX and it is (get this) CARBONATED FIZZY YOGURT.
People, please. Don’t buy this. DO NOT encourage them (them being whoever the hell came up with this hideous idea!) It was the most disgusting thing I have ever put in my mouth. EVER. SERIOUSLY.
Imagine a shot of yogurt and sprite.
Gives me a full-body shudder just thinking about it. Jesus.
***
DID YOU WATCH THE GREY’S ANATOMY SEASON FINALE? OH MY GOD. WITH THE CANDLES.
***
From our “Yeah, we heard!” department, David Cook won American Idol. Thank God.
I had a visceral aversion to poor little David Archuleta. It has taken me all season to articulate why, exactly, I can’t stand this poor kid. Maybe becauise I used the word “poor” to describe him twice in one paragraph? Obviously I pity him. And also, he has no soul. He is too young to have soul. He hasn’t had time to be really, truly heartbroken yet. You have to have been in PAIN to sing and really capture your audience. When Cook sang “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” I could buy that some woman had hurt him, left him, broken him, and he was still looking…still looking. When Archuleta sang “Longer” I could picture Kermit the Frog singing to Miss Piggy - I don’t know. Please just don’t play him on my radio station. Please.
Here are some of the things I have read that begin to sum it up for me.
“Archuleta was the kid who got beat up in school. David Cook was the one beating him up.” (Except I think Cook is actually a really nice guy.)
“He looks kind of slow and maybe like he is going to throw up every time he sings. Hurling on your audience? Awkward!” (You have to say awkward with the tween inflection. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, well, anyway.)
“He’s like a 17 year old Michael Bolton, and really, hasn’t the world had enough of that already?”
“After this season is over, the only way I want to hear Archuleta again is in an animated movie. As maybe a frog with a cold or a little porcupine or something. I’m sure someone could come up with the perfect animal.”
“Do you want a hot sexy man (D. Cook), or do you want a Webkinz brought to life?”
I think that about sums it up!
(My apologies to anyone from whom I stole Archuleta quotes.)
***
So, what’s up with you? Anything good?
